Liz

It is 5:45PM. Friday. August.

There it was on the table, a big blue cup of Chocolate Caramel.
Liz was sitting at Whittard, a quite place in a busy shopping mall, reading Of Mice and Men, a book she had to teach on Sunday morning. Her eyes were not following the words on the book, neither was her mind. She put down the book and grabbed her pink-cased iPhone. Flicking open, she checked the time; 6:02PM. Liz loves wearing nice watches but she doesn’t really check the time from her watch. She said she wore watches only for fashion. Her right forefinger slid thru the contact list and stopped at a letter J. To Liz, the letter J has a personal and significant meaning. She believes that her life is bound with people whose names start with the letter J, well guys to be exact. Looking upward to rest her eyes from reading, she closed them for a few seconds and put her phone in her handbag. Liz sighed and looked up to see an empty armchair in front of her, thinking of that pretty, European face of that guy, her latest J, and the big couch she shared with him when they saw Ice Age 3 together 3 weeks ago, just before he went to Australia.

Things have been different since then. He has. She has. Everything has. Liz thinks she understands what has happened but it doesn’t appear so. She used to say that most of the time, the fact that she knows and understands things does not really make her feel good at all. I think so too. She looked down to her lap and sighed. thoughts running.

Putting hand in her bag, Liz took out her phone, flicked it open, tapped the message button and started typing very quickly as if she might change her mind if she did otherwise, "Hey, wanna go see GI Joe tomorrow afternoon?" Sent. She pushed the sleep button and lay her phone on her lap. Grabbing the book she left on the table, she tried to go back to her reading. Her eyes glanced down at the phone again. silent. no signs of any new messages. She forced her eyes back to the book again and read aloud to help herself concentrate on the story. A few minutes later, there was a sound from her phone. Liz’s heart started to beat faster as she took her phone from her lap. For some reason, she hoped he would say no. Before she read the whole message, her eyes spotted the word ‘Sorry.’ She averted her eyes for a moment, bit her lower lip softly. Slowly, her eyes traced the words in the message from the beginning again, "Tomorrow afternoon cant....Got to so shopping and meeting friend.. Sorry, X"

She stared at it for a moment, thinking of what to reply. She did not want him to sense that she was upset nor that she was fine about it. After a few seconds, she typed ‘Ts okay’ hesitating of putting X in, she thought for a moment and decided to put a dot instead. Once she tapped the send button, she put her phone back into her handbag. Liz quickly grabbed the book and started to read again. Tears were welling up at the corner of her eyes. Thoughts flooded her mind and her body, tense. She forced herself to read but those words from the message kept coming back to her mind forcing her to read the same word on the page more than twice. Liz suddenly closed the book and looked sideways. She felt ashamed that she had texted the guy, thinking it blemished her beloved ‘self’. "No one is good enough to make me feel this way, none" she mumbled to herself trying to hold the water at the corner of eyes not to fall. Yet this was not the first time, the exact same thing happened.

Liz always has this paradoxical personality. She can appear very strong and self-assured but sometimes she is just too hard on herself, letting herself be an object of a silly love game. Self-beating is the word I often use to describe her. Liz always aims for ‘the impossible’ when it comes to guys. She always does and it seems as though she is willing to be the ‘victim’.

This guy she has been out with lately is too much of a player. Liz knows that too but she insisted that she saw the good in him and that they had always a good time together. I think he is a bit arrogant and is too much within himself, but strangely enough those are the qualities that attract Liz. His look too, I suppose. Tall and athletic, charming eyes with the deep blue color, the look that Liz finds irresistible. His way of talking, at times pretentious but unarguably charming, is also what Liz loves so dearly. The guy also knows what to do or say to get Liz. he did capsize her world. Now Liz, like Pip in the first chapter of Great Expectations, is seeing everything up side down. She says she knows and understands everything but somehow, I doubt it.

There is one thing I agree with what Liz says about herself. It is about her two favorite poets. She always says that she likes the poets for different reasons; Edna Millay, for Millay is the kind of woman she wants to be and Anne Sexton for Sexton is the kind of woman that she can always relate herself to. She is right. Liz is more of a Sexton than a Millay. I hope she grows to be a Millay though. Despite Sexton’s artistic talent and charm, I hope she grows to be a Millay though. I don't want her to end up like Sexton. Too tragic.

Liz put down her book and drank the coffee in her cup. She quickly finished it and took out her Macbook. She felt she needed to write something. She started typing..

4:45PM. Friday. August.

There it was on the table, a big blue cup of Chocolate Caramel....

Meeting My Oktober

Thirteen nights of crying,
came a big hollow in my chest

Something warm is missing

without you i can't shine my best.

The nights became unfriendly,

none is kind to my needy heart.

It's been two weeks already

since we had to part.

My first winter is full of colors

of you, me, castles and hot chocolate

with glittering snow, i need no flowers

to brighten up my soul or scent it.

Everything is white and frozen

with you, I need no spring time

in this frosty winter,

my affection for you deepens.

walking in Marien Platz,

with the bells, our love chimes.

What I have with me now is memory

of you and everything.

every night and day it plays vividly

nothing more is worth remembering.

I love you and I know I can wait

lovers are meant to be together

I know Love never comes too late,

April, May, June and July will be soon over

and in August, I will once again meet

my Oktober

Time Is Up

The body expires.

Emotions trampled.

the Mind cracks,

then shuts again,

no,

This,

you dont have to handle.

for if you understand, you do.

if you didn't

then you didnt really

have to.

Come on in, December :*)

Dear Not-So-Frosty December, Good Morning

How are you today?

I am writing you and my love is sleeping.

I wish longer he stayed

Cold Breeze looks good on you

Golden Sun brings in the best light.

The birds are chirping gaily too

Sadly, November left last night.

I'm glad my love was around

when you were on your way

Journey's over, you can rest now

With us, you're welcome to stay.

Well now, to school I have to go,

December, take it easy, take it slow ;)

See, You Can't Say That I Did Not Try

See, you can't say that I did not try

And if I fail, you can't ask me why

It is enough for me but no, not for you

it never is and this is all I can do.

You want me do it exactly as you say

and try it all in your excellent way

But have you ever thought of my ability?

that somehow this is not where I should be.

Yes, I walked in here because of my free will

now I want to quit and you force me to stay, still.

I can't believe myself complying to all these rules

Ones that take away my bright days and make me a fool.

I am only doing this because I need to leave this place

before it crushes my mind and leave me here, displaced.

The Pursuit of Friendly Voices

Silence is distrustful

and it ruled me tonight.

A terrifying existence, dull

Many but none is in my sight.

I rang with full anticipation

Of being asked how I be

the noise was loud with confusion

Suggesting she was busy.

I rang once again with a weary heart

Fear u would not answer

Fear what say I as a start?

Fear because of me this could somehow be over.

Three rings and up I hung

Not a voice but only a sound I heard

Then Silence took control, stung

My tired heart and all its worth.

The last attempt was unreal and fake

Voices sewn thru thing called song

Guess this is what I can take,

The clock strikes twelve, it won't be long.

It was just another weary night,

I woke up and found myself..simply alright.

Upon the letter 'i'

All of a sudden, i became important,

though not in a magnificent way.

In this case, i stands for 'irrelevant.'

i forced me to be here, to still stay.

i washed off my not so bright brain

named the tired me 'Not Belong'

and bring out of what me love, pain.

making me doubt why singing an expired song?

belonged not to me, who was lost and worn out

by all the vainglorious attempts to sing

something me know not about.

like a brainless bird with breakable wings.

being praised outside this ivory cage

in which all it can be is inadequate and

most of the time, offstage.